Ashtangi Confessions

#5 This one is kind of ugly. No, it is quite very ugly. You see the person who started just a little while ago and give or take a few pounds, give or take a few years, give or take the amount of coordination, you make a comparison that you are similar. But guess what? Not really because she, besides being cool & nice, is cruising by and is going to start second like anytime. You feel envy, then feel bad for feeling envy, and then bad for feeling bad about a feeling you do not know how to kill, then really bad about not deleting this one. I wish there was a laxative for this feeling. Maybe posting it will be like a very technological innovative toilet flush.

14 thoughts on “Ashtangi Confessions

  1. Aww..big hug! So totally normal and human..I have felt this too, from both sides of the coin, in so many aspects of life..stop beating yourself up! Personal bests are always a better measure, but sometimes envy rears it’s ugly head..saying it out loud clears it out, being comfortable with what arises within us does not mean reacting to it or feeding it. Compassion in looking at your samskaras and finding that this too shall pass can help you heal the old wounds that create these types of thoughts of inadequacy or jealousy. Who knows why you’ve progressed differently, the same way some babies speak from age 1 and some grunt until 3..it’s no indication of where they will be later in life! Backbending and shoulder opening just need to take their own sweet ass time. You can be happy for your compadre and feel a bit bittersweet at the same time…just know that we all compare, even when we think we aren’t! Find your sense of humor in this…I promise it helps! xo

      • 🙂 Thank you for saying it! I have to keep things on the down low for awhile, while I get ready to 1) unleash mayhem, 2) begin a major transition and 3) generally fuck things up, as they have stood in my life for a very long time, a too long time. Once I make the big leap, some time around April most likely, I may begin a new public blog, with an entirely new fiefdom and title.

  2. Makes me think of the arrow story
    The Buddha once asked, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is that painful?” Yes. The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” Of course. He went on to say, that as long as we are alive, we can expect painful experiences – the first arrow. Often the significant suffering associated with an emotion is not the emotion itself, but the way we relate to it. If we condemn, judge, hate, or deny the first arrow, that is like being struck by a second arrow. The second arrow is optional, and mindfulness helps us avoid it.

    If that came up in meditation, we would just note it ‘envy’ and get back on with the breath, so much harder off the cushion

    • Thanks for sharing that Grim. I realized the 2nd arrow is more of a feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness as I was pondering my “confession”. we all longing to do the fancy pet tricks :D.

  3. Don’t be too hard on yourself 🙂 I think the only thing worse than being envious of a fellow student, is being an envious teacher watching students progress past you in every way. Let it go and move on. As they say and as I have to remind myself every day, there will always be someone better than me and someone not as good. And that happens in every single area of life😎

  4. विवेकख्यातिरविप्लवा हानोपायः ॥२६॥
    viveka-khyātir-aviplavā hānopāyaḥ ||26||
    The capacity to make distinctions (viveka) and uninterrupted insight are the path to this goal. ||26||

    You got this in spades, sister. You are someone with great awareness, discernment…as exemplified by this post. So, perhaps more advanced than your fellow practitioner, in some ways, hmmmm? But, don’t let that make your ego too big, either – make sure you laugh at that, too. 😉

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