Driven

…Is not something you can call me.  Even though after thousands of years of evolution, my nervous system still cannot tell the difference between being torn apart by a saber toothed tiger instead of just visiting my parents for 72 hours, I  continue to choose freeze instead of flee. I am making peace with this choice instead of being constantly disappointed by it. They say our identities are a result of a finely crafted cocktail of biology and culture. My bartenders raised me in a culture where the recipe was a  loose variation of impress others but don’t make it look hard, and never change. It was so confusing that a promptly (before I turned 10 even) lost any desire or imperative to be anything in particular. I did not know the term fuck it then, but I was saying exactly that. These days I believe it is called surrender, and all of a sudden it is a good thing. I marvel at all these type A pals of mine, with which I get along with stupendously I might add, trying to ease up and coast, and I wish we could barter. I could use some type A and they could use some FTS and walk away. Calmly. Because that is the trick. You cannot be all hyper and guilty and over explainy about walking away. It is shudder for a sec, and then sit an listen to the judgements with blocking aids at first but later it really becomes equanimity, I promise. So how is this about yoga you might ask. Well in the case of yours truly here, the only way to practice and be friends with people who are mostly yoga teachers or should be, is being comfortable with not having or not being. Yesterday I had many maintenance related tasks to do in order to have an up to date and organized existence. I ditched it all to read, and later on make this:IMG_4176

It was only fun because I sincerely said FTS to chores, to following the convoluted geometric directions I found on line, and used markers so I would not have to clean up. Maybe not even remotely related,  but  some of you might want to read that Patty Smith interview on Medium.  and this too, because it  was what sort of got me going on about calmly performing FTS with sincerity and devotion.

6 thoughts on “Driven

  1. LOVED this. I’m definitely a flee type over freeze.
    Found myself in a position where I wasn’t sure I wanted to be much of anything either. Glad I’m not alone.
    Love what you made by the way!

  2. This post has been running through my head the last few days. This is so important. Making time for creativity.
    I am learning to say no to stuff in order to remain sane. It is tough but a really useful skill and I am much happier for it.
    This is not a very eloquent comment but I just had to get back to you. Thank you for sharing your colouring. Please colour more!

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