Fire Drill

And so it begins again. The so called holiday season becomes a battle for my autonomy, waged every year since around 1984. It is a battle that I always win after like half a dozen years of loosing badly. I would cede no territory but I got very badly maimed and wounded. Now I almost relish it because it is an opportunity to remind myself that everything is fine just as it is and that I fail myself each time I try to impress, appease or influence anyone’s opinion of myself with entertainment or gifts or behavior. That includes whatever it is that resides in my crazy head. It started with not wanting to lie to my child about Santa, and then it grew into dreading the consumer frenzy, and ended in making a clean break with religious traditions that I had always found fake and jarring. Ray and I bonded because we felt the same way about this. Neither side of our families were amused when they realized we had found reinforcements. My daughter is proof that I made the right choice. Going against the current with these traditions provides me with a period of reflection where I can rededicate my efforts to show up as I am and learn to recognize exactly what that is after being socially conditioned to cover that up. In Spanish there is a saying that encompasses good breeding and making a good impression. It is called “Quedar Bien” which loosely translates: Remain Well Regarded or Arrive As Well Regarded. It turns out you did not come here to be regarded. By the way, I went on a total tangent with this because it all started with how I realized this morning that I did my practice without trying to impress myself. Tomorrow I will try it without trying to impress teacher or whoever plops next to me.

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